2nd Direction to Consider to Prepare for a Happy Marriage - Know the Inconveniences

Direction # 2: To restrain your inordinate forwardness to marriage, keep the ordinary inconveniencies of it in memory. 

Rush not into a state of marriage, the inconveniencies of which you never thought of. If you have a call to it, the knowledge of the difficulties and duties will be necessary to your preparation, and faithful undergoing them. Some examples are as follows:

1. In marriage, your obligations will multiply. You will also deal with many relations. Each of them will expect something from you. It is to be anticipated that each of them has their own self-interests and they will measure you on the basis of how you meet their expectations. You might experience many disappointments.

2. Your wants in married life is more difficult to meet than in a single life. You will want so many things which before you never wanted, and have so many to provide for and content; that all will seem little enough, if you had never so much. Then you will be often at your wit's end, taking thought for the future, what you shall eat, and what you shall drink, and wherewith shall you and yours be clothed.

3. Your wants in a married state are far hardlier borne than in a single state. It is far easier to bear personal wants ourselves, than to see the wants of wife and children: affection will make their sufferings pinch you especially the discontent and impatience of your family. O what a heart-cutting trial is it, to hear them repining, murmuring, and complaining! . . . How few in all the world that have families, are content with their estates !

4. Note also that you will join your life not with an angel, but a person with many weaknesses. If one party only were froward and impatient, the stedfastness of the other might make it the more tolerable: but we are all sick in some measure, of the same disease. And when weakness meeteth with weakness, and pride with pride, and passion with passion, it exasperateth the disease and doubleth the suffering. 

5. The business of a married life commonly devours almost all your time, so that little is left for holy contemplations, or serious thoughts of the life to come. Consequently, God's service is thrust into a corner, and concerns in life will scarcely allow you time to meditate, or pray, or read the Scripture. 

6. There is a great deal of duty which husband and wife do owe to one another; as to instruct, admonish, pray, watch over one another, and to be continual helpers to each other in order to their everlasting happiness; and patiently to bear with the infirmities of each other. 

7. And the more they love each other, the more they participate in each other's griefs: and one or other will be frequently under some sort of suffering. If one be sick, or lame, or pained, or defamed, or wronged, or disquieted in mind, or by temptation fall into any wounding sin, the other beareth part of the distress. Therefore before you undertake to bear all the burdens of another, and suffer in all another's hurts, it concerneth you to observe your strength, how much more you have than your own burdens do require.

8. And if you should marry one that proveth ungodly, how exceeding great would the affliction be! If you loved them, your souls would be in continual danger by them: they would be the most powerful instruments in the world to pervert your judgments, to deaden your hearts, to take you off from a holy life, to kill your prayers, to corrupt your lives, and to damn your souls.

9. And O what abundance of duty is incumbent upon both the parents towards every child for the saving of their souls! What incessant labour is necessary in teaching them the doctrine of salvation! which made God twice over charge them to teach his word diligently (or sharpen them) "unto their children, and to talk of them when they sit in their houses, and when they walk by the way, and when they lie down, and when they rise up." What abundance of obstinate, rooted corruptions are in the hearts of children, which parents must by all possible diligence root up! O how great and hard a work is it, to speak to them of their sins and Saviour, of their God, their souls, and the life to come, with that reverence, gravity, seriousness, and unwearied constancy. . . . Consider your fitnes for so great a work before you undertake it.

10. And if love make you dear to one another, your parting at death will be the more grievous. And when you first come together, you know that such a parting you must have: through all the course of your lives you may foresee it: one of you must see the body of your beloved, turned into a cold, and ghastly clod: you must follow it weeping to the grave, and leave it there in dust and darkness: there it must lie rotting as a loathsome lump, whose sight or smell you cannot endure; till you shortly follow it, and lie down yourself in the same condition.

These directions from a long deceased pastor are just half of the of the 20 examples of hardships that accompany marriage. These marriage crosses will not only stay for a year, but throughout your life, and will only cease when you pass to the next. This is why careful thought is necessary before you consider entering the marriage state. Without this preparation, a man or woman is like a buyer going to the market without money, or a farmer going to his field without any tool, or a person who will go to sea without necessary preparation for his voyage, or like a soldier going to war without his weapon. If this is not foolishness or negligence, what shall be the appropriate description for such absence of preparation? 

Translated into Filipino: 

Huwag madaliin ang pag-aasawa lalo na kung hindi mo pa napag-isipan mabuti ang mga kahirapan na maaari mong maranasan. Kung talagang handa ka ng mag-asawa, ang kabatiran sa mga tungkulin at mga hirap na maaari mong danasin ay makakatulong sa iyong paghahanda. Ilan sa mga halimbawa nito ay ang mga sumusunod: 

1. Sa pag-aasawa, dadami ang iyong obligasyon. Dadami rin ang mga dapat mong gawin. Marami ka na ring pakikitunguhan at tutustusan ng kanilang mga pangangailangan. Bawat isa sa kanila ay may inaasahan mula sa iyo. Hindi maiaalis na meron silang mga pansariling interes at susukatin ka nila batay sa pagtugon mo sa kanilang mga inaasahan. Makakaranas ka ng mga kabiguan na maaaring maging sanhi ng panghihina ng iyong kalooban.

2. Ang mga pangangailangan sa buhay may asawa ay mas mahirap matugunan kaysa sa panahon na ikaw ay nag-iisa pa lang. Dadami rin ang mga bagay na gusto mo na dati rati ay hindi mo naman gusto. At kung hindi naman ganoon kalaki ang iyong napagkukunan ng mga panustos, para bagang ang lahat ng meron ka ay kulang pa rin. Lagi mong iisipin kung ano ang inyong kakainin, iinumin, at daramtin.

3. Ang mga pangangailangan sa buhay may asawa ay mas mahirap pagtiisan kaysa sa panahon na ikaw ay nag-iisa pa lang. Mas madaling tiisin ang mga personal na pangangailangan kaysa sa makita na hindi natutugunan ang pangangailangan ng iyong asawa at mga anak. Masasaktan kang makita ang kanilang pagdurusa bunga ng pagmamahal mo sa kanila. Higit pa rito, makadarama ka ng ibayong kalungkutan sa mga pagkakataon na kahit anong gawin mong pagsisikap, para bagang ang iyong pamilya ay hindi nasisiyahan sa mga bagay na iyong naipagkakaloob sa kanila. Masakit sa damdamin na marinig na sa halip na magpasalamat, sila ay nagrereklamo, umaangal at dumadaing. Bibihirang pamilya ang nasisiyahan kung ano ang meron sila.

4. Tandaan mo rin na ang makakasama mo sa buhay ay hindi isang anghel, kundi isang tao na maraming mga kahinaan. Kung ikaw ay likas na mapagpasensiya, mas madaling pagtiisan ang kawalan ng pasensiya ng iyong asawa. Subalit hindi sa lahat ng panahon ay magagawa mo ito. Sa oras na magpang-abot ang iyong kahinaan sa kaniyang kahinaan, ang iyong pagmamataas sa kaniyang pagmamataas, ang iyong galit sa kaniyang galit, lulubha ang karamdaman at madodoble ang hirap ng kalooban. 

5. Ang kaabalahan ng buhay may asawa ay uubos ng malaking bahagi ng iyong oras at kaunting oras na lamang ang matitira para sa banal na pagbubulay-bulay o seryosong pag-iisip ukol sa buhay na darating. Bunga nito, ang paglilingkod sa Diyos ay naisasantabi at ang mga alalahanin sa buhay ay halos pagkaitan ka ng oras para sa pananalangin at pagbabasa ng Banal na Kasulatan. 

6. Kaakibat ng pag-aasawa ang maraming mga tungkulin sa bawat isa tulad ng pagpapaalala, pananalangin, pagtuturo, pagbabantay, pagtutulungan, at matiyagang pagtitiis sa mga kahinaan ng bawat isa. 

7. Alalahanin mo rin na habang lumalalim ang pag-ibig niyo sa isa't-isa, nakikibahagi rin kayo sa dalamhati ng bawat isa. Isipin mo na isa sa inyo ang makakaranas ng iba't-ibang uri ng mga pagdurusa. Kung ang iyong mapapangasawa ay magkasakit, maging inbalido, maparatangan, nababahala ang kaisipan, o mahulog sa kasalanan dulot ng tukso, hindi maiiwasan na makikibahagi ka rin sa kaniyang pagdurusa. Samakatuwid, bago mo pasanin ang mga bigatin ng iyong makakasama sa buhay at maranasan ang kaniyang mga pagdurusa, mainam na tantiyahin mo muna kung mayroon kang natitirang sapat na lakas pagkatapos mong pasanin ang iyong mga personal na kabigatan. 

8. At kung ang mapapangasawa mo ay walang pananampalataya sa buhay na Diyos, O gaanong hirap ng kalooban ang dadanasin mo! At kung labis ang pagmamahal mo sa kaniya, nanganganib ang iyong kaluluwa sa dahilang siya ay magiging instrumento upang baluktutin ang iyong mga kapasiyahan, patamlayin ang iyong puso, mailayo ka sa banal na pamumuhay, biguin ang iyong mga panalangin, at palalain ang iyong buhay.

9. Isipin mo rin ang iyong magiging tungkulin na ituro sa inyong mga anak ang daan ng kaligtasan. Nangangailangan ng mahabang pasensiya at katiyagaan na kausapin ang iyong mga anak ukol sa Salita ng Diyos sa panahon na sila ay nakaupo sa inyong tahanan, sa kanilang paglalakad, sa kanilang paghiga at pagbangon sa higaan. Napakahirap bunutin ang mga ugat ng kasalanan sa puso ng mga bata. Napakahirap na kausapin sila tungkol sa kanilang mga kasalanan at pangangailangan ng Tagapagligtas. Napakahirap na ituro sa kanila na magkaroon ng paggalang sa banal na pangalan ng Diyos. Isaisip mong mabuti kung handa kang tuparin ang mga tungkuling ito bago mo pasukin ang pag-aasawa.

10. Panghuli, alalahanin mo rin na kung ang pag-ibig ang naglapit sa inyong mga damdamin, ang inyong paghihiwalay sa araw ng kamatayan ay maghahatid ng matinding kalumbayan sa iyong puso. Sa unang araw ng inyong pagsasama, batid ninyo na darating ang isang araw na kayo ay paghihiwalayin ng kamatayan. Isa sa inyo ay makikita ang malamig na katawan ng kaniyang kabiyak, susundan ng pagluha hanggang sa libingan, ibabaon sa lupa, at sa paglipas ng panahon ay mabubulok hanggang sa dumating ang araw na ikaw man din ay susunod sa kaniya.

Ang mga tagubiling ito ng isang matagal ng yumaong pastor ay ilan lamang sa napakaraming mga halimbawa ng hirap na kaakibat ng pag-aasawa. Ang mga pasaning nabanggit ay hindi masasaksihan lamang sa loob ng isang taon, bagkus ay habang kayo ay nabubuhay. Magkakaroon lamang ng kapahingahan sa mga ito sa araw ng pagsapit ng kamatayan. Ito ang dahilan kung bakit kinakailangang matamang pag-isipan at paghandaan ng isang tao ang pag-aasawa bago niya ito pasukin. Hindi angkop sa isang lalaki o babae na pumasok sa buhay may asawa ng walang kaukulang preparasyon. Ang pagpapakasal na walang preparasyon ay katulad ng isang mamimili na tutungo sa pamilihan subalit walang dalang pera, o isang magsasaka na tutungo sa kaniyang bukid subalit walang dalang anumang kasangkapan sa pagtatanim, o isang tao na magkakaroon ng mahabang paglalakbay sa karagatan subalit walang naihandang kaukulang mga gamit, o dili kaya ay tulad ng isang kawal na tutungo sa digmaan subalit nakaligtaan ang kaniyang mga armas. Marahil ito ay bunga ng kapabayaan o maituturing na isang kahangalan!

Mga Gabay na Katanungan:

1. Buudin sa iyong mga sariling pananalita ang mga hirap at tungkulin na dapat isa-alang-alang ng isang binata o dalaga sa kaniyang paghahanda sa buhay may-asawa.

2. Kanino inihalintulad ang isang tao na pumapasok sa buhay may-asawa ng walang sapat na preparasyon?

3. Sa iyong personal na pananaw, ano ang kahahantungan ng isang pagsasama kung walang kaukulang paghahanda? 

Source: Baxter, R. (1830). The Practical Works of Rev. Richard Baxter Volume 4: A Christian Directory Part 2: Christian Economics, pages 13-22

First Direction to Consider to Prepare for a Happy Marriage - Neither Lust nor Rashness

Direction # 1: Take heed that neither lust nor rashness do thrust you into a married condition, before you see such reasons to invite you to it, as may assure you of the call and approbation of God. For, 

1. It is God that you must serve in your married state, and therefore it is meet that you take his counsel before you rush upon it: for he knoweth best himself, what belongeth to his service. 

2. And it is God that you must still depend upon, for the blessing and comforts of your relation: and therefore there is very great reason that you take his advice and consent, as the chief things requisite to the match. If the consent of parents be necessary, much more is the consent of God.

Question: But how shall a man know whether God call him to marriage, or consent unto it? Hath he not here left all men to their liberties, as in a thing indifferent?

Answer: God hath not made any universal law commanding or forbidding marriage; but in this regard hath left it indifferent to mankind : yet not allowing all to marry (for undoubtedly to some it is unlawful). But he hath by other general laws or rules directed men to know, in what cases it is lawful, and in what cases it is a sin. As every man is bound to choose that condition in which he may serve God with the best advantages, and which tendeth most to his spiritual welfare, and increase in holiness. Now there is nothing in marriage itself which maketh it commonly inconsistent with these benefits, and the fulfilling of these laws: and therefore it is said, that "he that marrieth doth well," that is, he doth that which of itself is not unlawful, and which to some is the most eligible state of life.

By these conditions following you may know, what persons have a call from God to marry, and who have not his call or approbation. 

1. If there be the peremptory will or command of parents to children that are under their power and government, and no greater matter on the contrary to hinder it, the command of parents signifieth the command of God.

2. They are called to marry who have not the gift of continence, and cannot by the use of lawful means attain it, and have no impediment which maketh it unlawful to them to marry. "But if they cannot contain, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn."

But here the divers degrees of the urgent and the hindering causes must be compared, and the weightiest must prevail. For some that have very strong lusts may yet have stronger impediments: and though they cannot keep that chastity in their thoughts as they desire, yet in such a case they must abstain. And there is no man but may keep his body in chastity if he will do his part: yea, and thoughts themselves may be commonly, and for the most part kept pure, and wanton imaginations quickly checked, if men be godly, and will do what they can. But on the other side there are some that have a more tameable measure of concupiscence, and yet have no considerable hindrance, whose duty it may be to marry, as the most certain and successful means against that small degree, as long as there is nothing to forbid it.

3. Another cause that warranteth marriage is, when upon a wise casting up of all accounts, it is apparently most probable that in a married state, one may be most serviceable to God and the public good: that there will be in it greater helps and fewer hindrances to the great ends of our lives; the glorifying of God, and the saving of ourselves and others. And whereas it must be expected that every condition should be more helpful to us in one respect, and hinder us more in another respect; and that in one we have most helps for a contemplative life, and in another we are better furnished for an active, serviceable life, the great skill therefore in the discerning of our duties, lieth in the prudent pondering and comparing of the commodities and discommodities, without the seduction of fantasy, lust or passion, and in a true discerning which side it is that hath the greatest weight.

Here it must be carefully observed, 

1. That the two first reasons for marriage (concupiscence and the will of parents), or any such like, have their strength but in subordination to the third (the final cause, or interest of God and our salvation). And that this last reason (from the end) is of itself sufficient without any of the other, but none of the other are sufficient without this. If it be clear that in a married state you have better advantages for the service of God, and doing good to others, and saving your own souls, than you can have in a single state of life, then it is undoubtedly your duty to marry.

2. Observe also that if the question be only which state of life it is (married or single) which best conduceth to this ultimate end, then any one of the subordinate reasons will prove that we have a call, if there be not greater reasons on the contrary side.

Source: Baxter, R. (1830). The Practical Works of Rev. Richard Baxter Volume 4: A Christian Directory Part 2: Christian Economics. London: Paternoster Row. pages 1-12